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Wednesday, 04 November 2009

  • Amy Tan's Bonesetter's Daughter



    i was tearing out some pages of Tan's novel to make these cute little flowers when I stumbled upon some dog eared pages.

    i found some of my most fave quotes.

    I'm not an expert on anything. but i love language in all forms, sound s and words, facial expressions, hand gresture, body posture and its

Saturday, 31 October 2009

Friday, 30 October 2009

  • Things we take pride in

    Since I recently wrote about Steven, it brought back some memories.

    We had to do an observation activity once for sociology. I forgot what the accurate term was, but basically we had to go out into the "field" and record an interaction within our surroundings.

    Steven decided to make up a story instead of do the actual observation. His entry was full of zest and scandal. He wrote about neighbors arguing in the street and throwing suitcases out the front door. Even I could tell the story was a sham, but he still received full marks for having done the assignment. The teacher commented on the story's intrigue, and also mentioned how incredulous this event was to have happened right under Steven's nose.

    I on the other hand, wrote about oatmeal. My grandpa eating oatmeal.

    "My grandpa eats the same thing every morning at approximately the same hour. If you've never seen an old person eat, you should watch one day. I remember his jagged movements most, the way he shoveled food into his gaping mouth. As he chewed, globs of oatmeal slipped and fell out of his mouth back into his bowl. He paid no heed, and instead, greedily swooped up more of the lumpy porridge. I remember gazing at his posture; it was unusual, the way he positioned himself. He was crouched over his bowl, hunchbacked, elbows on the table. It was almost a protective stance. He was so hunched over that once his bowl is empty it took him a big heaving thrust to sit back upright in his chair. For a few minutes he would stay like that, sucking on his teeth checking for any loose morsels. "

    Anyhoo, that's more or less how my paper went. I, like Steven, got full marks, but a different teacher comment. The professor was astounded by the subject I chose. He enjoyed my interpretation on a somewhat ordinary event. It's one of the few praises that made me blush.

    I look back on this memory and I think that Steven and I were truly different in this aspect. He was always chasing after glamorous thrills and I was always content with what was right in front of me.

     I prided myself in the fact that I could see or realize things nobody else noticed or took for granted.  Like it was a secret only I knew. That was better than any thrill or adventure that the world had to offer me.

  • I've heard of love triangles, but never friendship triangles.

    It was our freshman year of college and we called ourselves the triad. Steven and Dziem knew each other from high school, and I knew Steven because he was the cousin of my best friend Amy. Also, I met Dziem through through a random sociological experiment that I'm not going to get into now. For some reason, none of us talked to each other before until we randomly spotted each other in the main quad during lunchtime. That day, we just hit it off.

    We enjoyed one year of uninterrupted, devishly good fun. However, during that time, we all knew that: (Dziem + Steven) or (Me + Steven) clicked more than (Dziem + Me). Steven seemed to be the glue that held us all together.

    So then junior year arrives and Steven left for Santa Barbara, Dziem for San Diego, and I for Davis. It got harder to keep in contact with each other. So how did we share the things that happened in our lives? Me and Steven would chatter to each other and then one of us would later on relay the message to Dziem. Steven rarely contacted Dziem, he just spoke to me and I would pass on the stories. Dziem got twinged by this, but accepted the way Steven was treating her. She continued to be his friend and stand by him, whenever he needed her. I felt guilty, but a sense of satisfaction that my connection with Steven was stronger than his connection with Dziem.

    I tried to be like Dziem. But when I lost the role of the leading lady (Steven had a new bestie in Santa Barbara) I couldn't keep treating Steven the way I did before. I started contacting Steven, asking him how he was. He ignored me or didn't respond. And when he did, he spoke nothing about himself.

    Anyways, I hadn't spoken with either Dziem or Steven in a long while and I get a call from Dziem asking me to make a video for Steven. Steven was feeling miserable and she wanted to make something to cheer him up. An act that I was responsible and inclined to do before. I told her I was busy that night, even though I really wasn't. She said she would call me back another time to chat further because she was driving.

    My first reaction when I heard that Steven was depressed, was that of concern. But my second reaction was a surge of pleasure. I pondered my delight in his misfortune.

    I know that first, I was jealous of Dziem. I was jealous of the fact that Dziem allows Steven to use her. Pathetic I know. I can't believe my envy goes that far. But Dziem doesn't believe its pathetic. She says that she loves Steven to the extent that she does these things for him, even though he doesn't do it in return to her. Dziem thinks of it as selfless love. And I think Steven abuses her love. He takes what he wants and needs and then doesn't do anything to show his appreciation. He takes advantage of people's kindness. I know this because its always the same with me.  I try so hard to make him happy. In fact I KNOW what makes him smile. But he doesn't care enough to do the same. And even if its just friendship, I deserve better. So I stopped talking when I stopped getting responses. Dziem, on the other hand, kept talking.

    So back to the fact that I'm glad Steven is sad... yes because I believe he deserves to be miserable. I won't do the video because I don't want to make him happy. If he's happy he'll just go on ignoring me. He only comes to me when he's sad. Because I'm suppose to be his best friend, his rock. Well not anymore. I don't feel like his best friend. I dont even know him anymore. The things he's done, or experienced. The Steven I see is just a memory. And that's not a good enough reason. I can't be best friends with a memory. Who he is today is unbeknownst to me. I warned him too. You can't just make me a part of your life when you're sad. I'm either there or I'm not. it doesn't make any sense either. how can I comfort you or reach you, when I don't understand the person you've become.

    And so all this time I was trying to think of what to say to Dziem if she calls about the video.

     I told her to go on without me. I'd say something on the film, but my words wouldn't be genuine. So I'd rather say nothing at all.

    Sorry if it puts a crimp in your plans, but I won't spoil him anymore.



  • When I watched the fireworks of the parting season alone..The loneliness I'm suppose to have tamed
    starts to lash out without me being able to do anything.

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